Oh it's been brought.

Zee brain eez overheatink. Throb. Throb. Thromboni. Ouchies. That's what you call a lack of sleep right there. I've stopped counting the hours I'm awake. It means nothing anymore. Nor do the hours of sleep. The days melt into one another like an evening that doesn't end. What day is it today?

I fall asleep on my chair. On the desk. On the couch. When I wake up, there's this hoarse feeling in my throat. I was probably snoring. This is at like 2 in the afternoon.

I think I can still go 10 more rounds. Bring it.

I'm gonna choke on this I just know it. Lordy! Little help. Shit now I wish I hadn't said it. But what are you gonna do ey?

Sigh.

Shoes and other things that come in twos

I am truly a domesticated animal.

Bits of my nails fell into an open folder as someone pointed out a pair of shoes. One of which was overturned.

I have this thing with women's shoes. I find them so utterly sexy. Perhaps its the way they make a woman walk. It's just so feminine. To walk in a pair of heels requires balance and grace. The two things that I aspire for myself in this life.

I'm talking about balance and grace you fool.

That is what I would like to find in a partner. I would like that very much. If a girl has that, everything else will follow.

That and she has to be good in bed.

So I sat there and quietly read through the beginnings of a book. The news was on and someone made funny hand gestures directed at no one in particular.

"No," I thought to myself. "these two aren't strangers at all."

Not even Yoda saw this coming

This afternoon, there were some people over here to apply for a job. I got to speak with a couple of them.

One of them didn't want the job. The other one was on the fence. She was scared. She was more than scared, she was terrified out of her mind. I don't blame her, but.

(and there always is a but.)

I saw myself in her quivering shoes. The me when I was still a young buck. When I was still new and not the jaded and cynical creature I am today. :) Kidding. I've just learned to take it all in stride. But I totally felt for her. I tried to give her some reassuring words, make her feel comfortable at least. Truthfully, I really wanted her to join the team. I've seen her work and she can write the pants off of me. She would be a great asset to the empire. Join me and togethah we shall rule the galaxy!

But like I said, she's still on the fence about it. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. This was probably the most quoted line of 2004 noh? So cliche. Getting sidetracked...

So I says to her, I says, whatever you decide, don't regret it. As I walked her and her little friend out, she thanked me profusely. It was a bit weird. I think she may have even bowed. But it was dark and I may have imagined the whole thing. Nevertheless, I walked away with some thoughts.

You know what? There's not a decision I've made that I regretted in the past year and a half. Not so bad ey?

Sure I've gotten beat up. I've made mistakes. I've gone left when I should have gone right. But not one regret. I made my choices and I'm happily living with them. I'm living my life. My own to destroy, my own to lift up.

For years as I was growing up, the thing that I wanted the most was this thing called freedom. Now I know what it actually is. For me, it's taking responsibility for your actions knowing full well the consequences. I love it when I get into a situation, eyes open, see a whole lotta trouble ahead and go in anyway. I absolutely love that. Maybe because it's the anti-thesis of who I was before. Maybe because it makes me realize that after all these years I'm finally free.

One last thing before I sign off. Dude, can you return the cd you borrowed? I mean, c'mon! Yoda still had hair when I lent you that thing.

god. I love writing.

When are we doing this again?

People are put in your path for a reason. Or so they say.

What if.

What if you go into a relationship thinking that one day you're gonna lose that person?

What if you enter into every relationship thinking that one day you're gonna lose that person?

What kind of person would you be?
What kind of life would you have?
What am I gonna do with you?

That's so brokeback sad dude. It's my new term. When something's just so heart wrenchingly sad and hopeless, it's brokeback sad.

Alternate definition: (depending on the context in which it is used) can also mean you're as gay as a tulip.

All the boys in the house say, Kobe 81!

I dunno what I'm saying. It's late and I'm tired. I'm about to pass out.

The day is a long one indeed

I read this a while ago. I thought that it was worth remembering. In 1791 there was an epitaph written on a tombstone. It read thusly, "The unfortunate parents ventured their all on the frail bark. And the wreck was total."

It was a tombstone for a child. We had much better writers back in 1791, it seems.

215 years ago. But it hurts like it happened yesterday.

.....

Things are difficult. But you're alive. So live.

There's so much that I just can't put into words right now. I miss my friends. I miss my dog. And 215 years seems like too long a time. Too long to still remember.

Suddenly it begins to rain, even if there aren't any rain clouds in the sky.

Take me outta my head

For the moment, I have enough head space to blog. Right now I just wanna think happy thoughts so ... here I go.

There are holes in my socks. I'm looking right at them. I can see the pink skin beneath the white cotton. Good thing my feet don't stink. (wiggle*wiggle) I have this thing about sanitation. I like to keep clean. Not only that, I like to clean period. I don't like getting dirty or sweaty. Or wet. I like fresh clothes, and neatness all around. I also demand comfort. Comfort is top priority.

Says quite a lot noh?

I'm both relaxed and uptight at the same time. I'm surprised there aren't more people like me. It's quite easy to do actually. Dig this. If I don't have to see anyone or have any kind of human contact for at least 24 hours, then I really don't see the need to take a bath. But I'll still be clean. ... somewhat. Clean in the sense that I won't be dirty. ... much.

Ok, ok. Not exactly the best example. Like they say, I'm better left experienced rather than talked about. Heh.

I watched three movies last week which is a lot for me. You know when you have this feeling inside you just bubbling and building and growing and gaining momentum like the distant rumblings of some dark, smoky and pounding freight train barreling though the night. Whoa, I haven't used that many adjectives in ages. Well, you know THAT feeling where you just gotta scratch that itch. Well brother, I just had to watch me some movies.

Simple enough ey? But what-a-pleasure. It was like a tall drink o' water and I'm a camel. I saw Fun with Dick and Jane. I give it one star. Cuz I really like Tea Leoni and I couldn't leave her with nothing. Then I saw Walk the Line with Marc, Mark and uh Marco. I give it five stars cuz we're all goin' down down down, the ring of fire. The ring of fire. The ring of fire. After that I watched Munich with the Monster and Mario show. I give it four stars. I had to take off one star cuz it was a bit disturbing to see a dead penis.

There's a spider that I can't seem to extricate out of my automobile. It's giving me the heebie jeebies. I can't be racing down the highway at speeds in excess of 110 kph if there's a bloody spider crawling up me leg. Arr! That's not that fast by the way. You have to remember, I drive a truck. Ah but I love my truck. It's the best truckukini in the whole wide world and ay loff it. It's there when I leave and it's there when I get back. 'Cept this one time.

This one time, I parked truckukini across AIM in front of greenbelt. When I got back she wasn't there anymore. My gads. I thought she'd run off with some hot red sporty Miata. (Baby, that car is all game and he won't treat you right like I treat you right.) Word.

Closer inspection of the immediate area provided the answers I sought. Scrawled in chalk on the ground were directions as to where truckukini was towed. Ugh. Such an ugly word. It makes me cringe at the thought of poor truckukini being hauled away. (Poor baby, it's alright. You're safe now. Hush.) She gets flashbacks sometimes but otherwise, she's doing fine.

Ah yes. Everything is situation normal.

Still Life

Bad things aren't supposed to happen to good people.

What did I do that was so wrong, did I hurt you?

Bury it all, lock it up and shut your mouth.

When everyone tells you not to ask.

It only hurts at first, just let go.

All the colors are wrong.

I can't do anything,

to find respite.

So I ask.

Why

Looking California but feeling Minnesota

I've been waiting a while to do this post. I just needed to be in the right frame of mind. Plus I just haven't had the time.

Let me explain.

The 4 weeks, I'd say, has been utter hell. It has been an emotional rollercoaster of sorts. There were a lot of times where I wanted to kill myself, or at least pack myself into a box an mail myself to Biella.

To be fair, I was warned. I was warned to get ready for the Olympics. The Camp Creatives is what it's called, where the best young creatives from all the agencies come to compete against each other in hand-to-hand combat. ala gladiator style. I was telling my partner for the competition, a girl with pink hair and a school girl's uniform, that I felt like I was stuck in an 80s movie.

It was during the 80s that we saw a lot of movies whose plot was centered on the underdog facing adversity yet conquering it in the end. Karate Kid. Mighty Ducks. Dirty Dancing...? Essentially, it was a bunch of movies where "I can ride my bike faster than you", or "I can dance better than you", or "I can snowboard better than you". Seeing the other competitors as they entered the room one by one, they all seemed like these big muscle bound he-men from Russia or Germany. We're from Minnesota dammit!

Camp Creatives was a 2 day event held at the Hyatt Hotel. We had to stay overnight to do a campaign and present it to the judges the next morning. "You'll be fighting the best of the best." my boss said. A cold chill ran straight down my spine and my soul suddenly felt emptier than usual. Incidentally, my boss would be one of the judges among the other heavyweights of the ad world. Name them and they were there.

The competition was on a Monday and a Tuesday. The Saturday prior I was already shakin' like a leaf. It's the ultimate in performance anxiety. I took a sleeping pill to calm me nerves. Still I woke up in the middle of the night with this absolutely horrible feeling in my chest. My god. I'm gonna fuckin' die.

Monday swung around like the sunrise slowly crept up the window in my room. Shit. I think I'm gonna puke. I got there early and met up with my harajuku partner. She seemed pretty calm and collected. It's a good thing one of us was, cuz I was ready to hurl chunks and the damn thing hadn't even started yet. Although sitting in the lobby waiting for everyone to arrive, I found some amusement. And I always do. Well, these people will probably kill me but who cares. It's not as if anybody reads this shit anyway. The other creatives from the other agencies were so ah-sus with a capital AH-SUS! They looked more like rock stars than well, if you're not a rock star then ... well. I mean cuz if you are then ... well. But unless you are then ... well. But you're not so ... well. hehhhehe. Gads. But there were a couple of really nice folk whom we made some pleasant conversation with. And they didn't act all uppity and sheet. Heh. So yah, I was amused.

Unfortunately, the amusement was fleeting and I soon felt like puking once again. But before I forget, there was one cutie there. She was super cute! Although she looked high maintenance. I have no patience for those kinds of women. I'm like, not a yaya you know?! Carry your own bloody bag. She looked like that kinda girl. But she was cute. Super cute.

During the morning, there were a bunch of speakers and such talking about stuff that's supposed to make us better creatives. The lectures were really good and entertaining and I took a lot from it at the time. I say at the time cuz now I can't remember anything. You must understand my frame of mind at the time. Imagine you can't blink. Ever. Imagine your heart on the brink of bursting. Imagine being trapped in a nightmare where there's this unseen and unnamed "thing" chasing you through blackness and not being able to wake up. And maybe you'll have an inkling of what I was going through. We're from bloody Minnesota!

We broke for lunch and I forced myself to eat. I'm gonna need some fuel for tonight if we're gonna have a chance to make anything. I suppose the food was okay. I don't remember tasting anything. I think there was pork and some pasta. I just remember wanting to puke. Minnesota for crying out loud!

After lunch, they brought us back into the ballroom where all the lectures and talks had taken place. A dude walked up to the mike and briefed us on .... uh, the brief. The objective was to make young people become interested in improving their proficiency in English. We have exactly until 9:30 a.m. to produce a full campaign. After a quick Q&A, he wished us good luck and sent us to our rooms to suffer and puke.

Since I hardly had gotten any sleep the night before, the first thing I did when I got to the room was to sleep. And sleep I did.

Is it some kind of conspiracy that they make the beds so damn comfortable? I couldn't resist! And off I went into dreamland. I was out like a light. I woke up an hour later and brainstormed a bit. After another hour of not getting anywhere, my partner an I went down for dinner. There we huddled together with the other creatives like a frightened herd of animals. Just waiting for the crocodiles to pounce on us once we reached the middle of the river. It seems, everyone was on edge and no one seemed to have made any headway in how to approach their campaign. Well, together in misery, together in death. How did I get myself into this.

We retreated back to our room on the third floor. The place was cold and it was so tempting to just hide under the whites of the blanket. To nuzzle your head on the soft fluffy pillow and close your eyes and forget this was happening. Oooh they got cable! A sort of disconnect between your mind and your body. A sort of temporary escape from the horror that was happening. A sort of..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..... Holy fucking shit! It's fucking 4 a.m.! We haven't done anything yet! Oh god we're gonna die!

We broke out the pencils and paper and got to work immediately. Our saving grace perhaps was before we had fallen asleep, we already talked about some possible ideas for our campaign. I guess necessity and the dire circumstances in which we abruptly found ourselves in dictated the direction in which we went. In short, we went for our only idea. It was a little off-strat and we didn't quite follow the brief to the letter but it was all we got. Shit.

We had just enough time left to finish the campaign and take a quick shower. We rushed back down to the ballroom where a lot of people were already there, having their breakfast and their coffee. Forget about even eating, though I love breakfast food, there was no way food was going down my throat. My throat was shut tighter than a midget's asshole. eeew!

We then had to present our campaigns to the judge that was assigned to us. If we made it past the initial judge, we'd then go to the finals and re-present our campaign to the collective judges and to all the creatives there as well. If we did manage to make it to the finals, we weren't allowed to make any last minute changes to our work. We had to present it as is.

We were assigned numbers. We got 8. I thought to myself, hey lucky 8. Maybe it's a good sign. I'm into signs. I'm into astrology, the zodiac. The kind of things that explain the unexplainable. It fulfills a need that I have to bring order into my life. Just like how I would stare at the walls and imagine patterns forming from the cracks or the torn wallpaper. There are patterns everywhere and I see them all. Sorry, I've been off my medication for a while now and it's not helping.

Anyway, we were assigned to David Guererro. He would be our judge and I was expecting the worst. In my mind, he was the toughest judge among all the judges there. And we were first among all the groups to present. Well, I thought, at least this is all gonna be over soon. We were broken off into small groups and my partner and I sat on a couch just outside the ballroom. David was there waiting for us. I tried not to puke on his nice shoes.

We laid out our campaign one by one. I make it sound like we did a lot but you have to remember that we started late so all we were able to produce was one tvc and a coouple of print ads. Lame, I know I know, I blame the hotel for making such deliciously comfortable beds. Damn them!

So this is how it went down. We made him laugh. Our board was good. "Good work guys. I like it." I will remember those words for as long as I live. I'd say right now, it's the high point of my career. Yeah boi! Score! Unfortunately, our print ads didn't fare as well. In fact, they sucked and I can only blame myself for that since it was all I had. I should have listened to my partner but I was hard headed. But it don't matter. Cuz my board rocked. He said that he hopes we make it through to the final round. He gave us some advice on how we could have made some things better and we listened through his thick British accent. But good things all around. We walked away giddy and relieved that we were done. Man, I never wanna go through this again. Evah.

Back to the ballroom where we waited for everyone else to finish their presentations. The waiting was just as bad. I couldn't function at all. I hardly said word. All I could think about was going home, back to the safety of my room, my bed, my blanket. Finally after 2 hours, though it seemed like forever, the judges came back with the results. What can I say. We made it to the finals. Oh shit. I ain't over yet. If there was ever a time that I felt both elated and mortified, this was it. This was the "it" that would end all "its" in the universe of... "its". Once they called our names, we had to present immediately. In front of the judges and all the Russians and Germans, we walked up to the mike and presented our shit. My boss was sitting in the front row together with the other judges. She had a big smile on her face and with that I took some small comfort. I did my spiel and the reasons behind our campaign. I'm sure my face was all red and my voice shook like I was on speed. But overall I think it went well. In the middle of the presentation, my partner informed me that our print ad component was missing. Shit. What? Could you please repeat that for me cuz I may have heard you wrong. Did you just say that our print ads were missing? Shit. Think Marc, think! I stepped to the mike. "Um, it seems like our print ads are missing. Um..." I looked to the judges stoic expressions. "Well, I guess that's it then. They weren't that good anyway. Heheheh" Exit stage left. When in a bind, make them laugh. Albeit a nervous laugh. Later on, I found out that David had purposefully hidden our print ads. He did it because they truly weren't good and presenting them would only give us less of a chance to win. So uh, thanks dude. No really, I appreciate it. He did to make our campaign stronger. So yea, thanks mate.

In all, 6 teams made it to the finals. 6 went up to the mike and presented. 3 groups would win. 1 would win a trip to Cannes to compete. 1 would go to Patayan in Bangkok to compete in Ad Fest. 1 would win gift certificates worth P1000 in Jolibee. They announced 3rd place. They announced 2nd. By that time I knew that we didn't win. 1st place went to the guys from Leo Burnett. I knew that were gonna win. Their campaign was tight. They rocked the shit. I really respect them and they deserve the big W. Plus they're great people. Definately not ah-sus people.

I'm not gonna lie, I was disappointed we didn't win even third. I thought at least we'd win second place. But that's the way these things go sometimes. Afterwards, my boss sat down and talked with me about what was wrong and what was right with our campaign. She was right in all she said. But I couldn't help feeling deflated. I hate losing. But one thing though, my boss was incredibly proud. Incredibly proud. She said "one day, you could work for David. But not yet. For now, you're mine."

When she said that, all the weariness and exhaustion had been released like steam from my heart. And and in that small and tiny moment, I won.