Assistance

My pupils are shaking. The music may be a little too loud. But before I can reach for the volume knob, I crash on the floor. Face meet carpet. And suddenly I find myself in a polyester and cotton jungle. It smells like a really old sweater. The one hanging in your closet. The one you've refused your mother to wear. Crawl slowly. I only know I'm going forward. To what, I don't know. Nor do I care. It just feels good going forward. Standing and falling and crawling on a burgundy jungle. The shaking has infected my limbs. They begin moving on their own. To the beat of the music. Like a magnet I stumble towards it. On my hands and knees if I have to. I will get there I tell myself. It's just taking a while. Suddenly I feel my knees. No wait, those aren't mine, they're someone else's. My knees aren't this smooth. Legs happen to be connected to them. Belt gets in the way. Such a complicated contraption. Good thing there's help. I couldn't have done this on my own. Off it goes, down. Everyone's vibrating at the same speed. Back home. Staring at the ceiling. Expanding in every direction. Just breathe. You'll make it. To the ashtray. Or maybe not. Pulling me inwards and exploding out with each deep exhale. Let's just lie here for a moment. The moment that took an entire night. The moment that took little pieces and bits and words and other vulnerable things. But with you, they're safe.

Cristina, you assume too much.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

A sure thing

What-a-day. Or should I say two? I loff country music! And Loaker! And mini oreo cookies! And long four hour drives! And exclamation marks! But I like c's better. I like the underdog. That rootin' tootin' gunslingin' Shooter McGavin. There was a day that I absolutely loved. I was snug as a bug in a rug in bed. The fresh air was cooler than usual. There was no need to get up. No need to get up at all. So I lay there. The good lord couldn't wipe the smile off my face if he tried. And then there was food and it was good. And there were friends that were better. And everything was so easy. So inexplicably easy. The day just flowed. From one moment to the next. Natural and right and full of hope that all days could be like this.

Today feels like a Sunday. I came in to work at 7p.m. Booyah! Not cuz I'm a lazy bastard. Cuz I'm an overworked one. Naranasan ko na rin ang hindi maligo ng dalawang araw at pumilit na magtrabaho na tuloy-tuloy at walang pahinga mula umaga hanggang sa kinabukasan at sobra sobra pa. Buti nalang at nag-tut-brash naman si gago. Kahit pa man na ang katabi ko ay umuubo ubo at pa-aching-aching, baho pa ng kachichas. At sa kabila naman ay may umuubo rin na parang nilalabas niya ang kanyang kaluluwa. Diyos ko day! Samantala ako naman ay nagsapumilit na magsulat ng kung anu-ano. Bahala na si Batman ang sabi sa akin. Nakinig naman ako diba? Hay. Walang katapusan na revisions. Yoko na sa'yo. Che! Matutulog nalang ako sa napakaganda at napakakomportableng couch. Voyerism to da max at wala akong pakialam, pagod na ako. Eto ngang partner ko, bumigay na, di na pumasok. May sakit. Sorry nalang tsong pero papasok ka bukas at may deadline tayo, sodeskane? Yosi to death.

Headline: You're so vain naman.
Body Copy: Now you can get -------- with ------. Only from ------.
Product shot and logos.

My absolute favorite headline of the week.

Hello listeners! I miss ya'll, alas daddy's been busy. But I bring great tidings of comfort and joy. No, not really. (Why is it tidings of comfort and joy, not joys? Is there only one joy in the house?) Or should I say hizzouse!! Anyway, I'm so proud of myself. I finally brought the car to 160+kph. Boo-yeah! Sure the car was vibrating like hell, but I was a man on a mission dammit! Ah, once you've tasted the sweet sweet nectar of speed, everything else just seems to crawl at a snails pace. (Now that I think about it, damn that was fast. Try doing that in a trux) w00t!

So.... speaking of speed. Don't you think things are happeningwaytoofast? It's probably my fault. I just can't keep my big mouth shut. But maybe it's better this way noh? I don't regret. And it saves a lot of pain later on I suppose. It's telepathetic. But it's great. It is what it is and it's exciting as well don't you think? I'm sure we see the outcome but then what the hell. It's an elegantly ruffled existence. Not quite smooth. Not quite tailor fit. But clean. Clean and refined. Poofy even.

So.... I had this dream the other day while I was dead on the couch. I dreamt I was in the old apartment, sitting on the dresser when my mom starts tickling me. She had these nails that would just kill me. She tickled me to death. I turned around and hugged her. It was really good seeing her.

You know, I wonder. How much longer are we a part of someone's life. Is it for life or is it just for a few months. A few years. Then we go our separate ways. You could be so close to someone one day and then strangers the next. It happens. It has happened. It's happened to all of us at some point. People who you couldn't imagine living without suddenly gone from your life only to be visited in dreams. It could happen to you. That's my biggest fear. Then what becomes of all that we've said? Does all its meaning become forgotten like promises left unfulfilled? What if one day I look over and you're not there? What if I saw something funny and weird and I couldn't tell you about it? Because for one reason or another, we just don't talk to each other anymore. I'd hate that. And like I said, it's happened before. What's to stop it from happening again? Maybe subconsciously that's why I said I'd hold on as long as I could. Maybe I feel it. Maybe you feel it too. But I'm learning to live for today. I hope the same for all of us.

There are no rules. I can't seem to convince you of that. But alright.

These hazards of smoking, I swear

So a while ago, I was smoking in the fire escape here in the office, where I usually run to when I get the nicotine pangs or when the idea well has run dry. It's a cement bare stairwell that's lit by a yellow incandescent bulb on each floor. Tonight though, three bulbs were busted. The ones on this floor and the two above and below. Darkness. I thought to myself, I can deal with this. Just a little dark, no harm. I left the escape door open to let some light keep me company. (There never was a truer escape door evah.)

So there I am smoking, thinking, drumming my fingers on the side of my jeans when it starts to get darker. I must be seeing things I tell myself. My eyes quickly dart to the left. Did someone just walk by? No, I heard nothing. My eyes must be playing tricks on me. I took another drag and peered into the darkness. Nope. Nothing there. Of course there's nothing there. Why would anything be there? I'm all alone here. Aren't I?

A loud clang made me jump out of my skin. The sound had come from outside. The garbage people must be working late. Whatever. I looked at my cigarette. Shit. only half done. Time seems to crawl when all your senses are on full alert. It was def con 5 as far as I was concerned.

I looked down the middle of the stairway. Long way down. Some of the other floors had busted lights as well. I looked up. Wow, that's a long way up too. I seemed to be caught between some dark limbo. Then I thought, hmmmm. Just then the wheels started turning in my head. You know, spirits like the dark. So much so that they would bust out yellow incandescent bulbs just like the ones we have here.... Ok, fuck this, I'm outta here. I extinguished my three fourths done cigarette on the metal railing and said goodbye to the dark and said hello to the light.

I quietly shut the escape door, taking one last look into the stairwell. Nothing. Damn. I really liked smoking there too. Guess from now on, I'll be making the trek all the way down to the lobby. There's no way in he... ahem. Let's not go there shall we?

It's hard out there for a pimp

Things can get plenty complicated real quick. But then I like complicating my life, don't I? Tickers and sundry. Find a home within myself. I am lost and I'm no guide but I'm by your side. I am right by your side. Drop the leash. Skating on the pearly tip. Old school. Doubt if the kids to day knows it. But I won't change my mind cuz I'm stubborn like that. And you learn things by staying the course. And inevitably, change is spurred on by what you learn. Learn more about yourself. Isn't that the penultimate question. The marked coffee stain on the table that's always there no matter how much you try to srub it out. So what if it's dark? It's always dark. Or haven't you surmised by now? Perhaps I was mistaken. No mistakes. Just couldn't help myself. If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. Until the day after. Suckah. Suckah punch mah niggah be known its. Could we all be in here? More than likely. Question. Answer. Question. Answer. Question the likes of shady characters hanging out on docks late at night. Hey kid, what's that you got? Nuthin' man. I got nuthin. Splish splash I was takin' a bath. All along a saturday night. And I see my friends at the bottom. Dropped the last one. Drop. Drop. Drop. I think. I think. What? I was saying that I think. I think not anymore. I think that's best. Ouch. Hurting thinks.

You can't read who you are

Sometimes I think about this blog. About how all this is really just a letter to no one in particular. Although sometimes it is, but not often.

It's a bit of a lost art isn't it? Letter writing. Stationary. Fountain pen. Inky mistakes that can't be taken back. That can't be forwarded. No cursive ends. No sloping paragraphs that can't seem to stand up straight after a hard night of drinking.

Your cursive ends were always the best.

So there

Shit.

It's hard blogging tonight. I'm impatient.

The days are starting to really wear on me. I need the big release. The big let go. The deep exhale. The deep silence.

The big house

Today feels like it went by so fast. I remember getting up from bed. Next thing I know, it's almost tomorrow. Where did the day go?

I still get those feelings of disconnect. I had one the other day. It totally threw me off. It only lasted for a moment but things like that can totally disrupt whatever it is you were doing. Well, maybe it's not really a disconnect, maybe more of disbelief. Like I can't believe I'm here. In this place. In this moment. Sometimes I get the feeling like I shouldn't even be here. Like, I should've died ages ago. And now, my body's been misplaced. Flashbacks of reincarnated selves perhaps?

I dunno. Maybe I'm schitzo. Wow. What if I did have multiple personalities? And those moments of disconnect are actually my other personalities trying to surface. Trying to grab some of my conscious real estate as it were. Nah. I knew it was still me. It's just that I didn't recognize the person I was just speaking to.

Or maybe it's like some instinctual self defense mech. Like a big neon sign inside my head suddenly switched on with the words "run" in hot pink. But I didn't run. Because these are just moments. Moments that I know will pass.

'Cause I been there. And I ain't goin' back.