Leave me

The Delays "Satellites Lost"

This satellites lost,
Where has the fire gone
Down deeper he knows,
There's
Still a chance to find it
But should he stay lost,
You are the reason you are the
Cause
This satellite's lost,
But I know that he wants you

I know you're there,
I can
Hear you breathe
It only takes a minute

To get yourself lost watching the day
Dissolve
Down deeper he knows,
There's still a chance to find it

I know you're there,
I can hear you breathe
It only takes a minute
And though you're there you can surely
Leave
It only takes a minute
Oh no

Nobody's gonna wait for you

PSA

I don't know. I just don't know. Where were you anyways? I'm afraid that my read is right. I wish you were better. I believe you can be better. But I can say that about anybody, especially myself.

I had this dream once, I dreamt that I was in some kind of afterlife. I was surrounded by angels and I remember feeling utterly terrified of them. Knowing that they could see right through me. Like my face was a map of all my sins. I ran from them and hid. Then I entered another door and was surrounded by hundreds of flying devils. And I remember feeling safe, knowing that they would protect me from the righteous vengance of the angels and knowing that they would accept me as one of their own. In their black wings I felt secure.

I don't like being used. You better know what you're doing. or marc smash.

Life makes you pay, but it's worth every lick

So I've been listening to this song called Long Time Coming by The Delays (courtesy of a very special animal) non-stop for the past hour or so. It's been keeping me company these few saturday night hours at the office. No, it's not like I'm in hell or anything. I feel kinda safe and comfortable here actually. Damn, does that make me a freak? Anyway, it's also a chance for me to get some quiet time to myself and write whatever I want. (which I've been reminding myself to do more of in fact) So anyway, I'm quite enamored by the song and if you do get the chance to listen to it, you'll see why.

So I was talking to my friend on the phone for a really long time and it was a really good conversation. You know when the phone's starting to burn in your ear and you end up in all sorts of contorted positions. Yea, that long. But it was good. Too bad it isn't going to lead to sex. Mostly because I'm not into guys. Heh. But it was good to connect and have something real and deep and honest. I loff my friends. I heart them. I heart them so much. So much that I'd do anything for them. 'Cept suck dick. Heh. Anyhow, I think I'm watching way too much porn. I was in the Starbuks the other day and saw this thermos there and I immediately thought, now hey, that could be a really good sex toy. With enough lubricant, you could... Yea, way too much. In any case, Porn (with a capital P) isn't sex. Real sex is way messier than that, way more awkward. And way funnier. Jeez, you should see the faces these people make when they're doing it. It's like, god you're a sex machine, you make me so mad and horny at the same time. I'm sure my face would just be a look of utter shock. Oh Marc, surely you jest. Whatever man.

So a while ago, I was at the world's longest buffet. T'was fun! It was like a mad meat market. Place was just a sea of hungry pigs and I was there man! This is our generation's Woodstock! This day shall be long remembered! We will forever be changed! One day we'll look back and tell our kids, kids we were there man. When they served the meatloaf and the chicken parmesan, I was there! I took a spoonful of that shit and I took it like a man. Didn't let nuthin' get 'tween me and mah chicken wings. I didn't even bother going back for seconds cuz it was just insane. The crowd was... there was a lot of people stuffing god knows what into their mouths. Crazy shit. Anyway, I wanted to get some dessert so I waded through and went to the nestle booth where they kept all the goodies. Thinking I was gonna walk away with a couple of popsicles maybe, I trudged on. When I got there I was met with an empty receptacle and the kind teary eyes of the booth lady clearly hanging on to her sanity by a thread. Poor girl, I asked, "wala na? It's only 8:30." then she burst into tears. I quickly made myself scarce. Then I saw the most beautiful signage of haagen daz I'd ever seen. I stepped into their cold and almost clinically clean store. Some people were already inside and were getting their scoops of ice cream. I said to no one in particular, "By jove! I've landed a goldmine! And not even a line! Me love it here. Me love it loooong time." I ordered one, no make that two! Two scoops of your finest cookie dough creame de la creames. You know what? Why don't you make that two scoops on two cones. Why the hell not ya? So the man handed me my two cones of ice cream and promptly said, "P400 sir." Wha-wha-whaaaat? B-but I.. I thought... "diba 'to free?" He gave me an apologetic smile that would have melted my heart if not for the ice cream slowly melting in my hands. "But what about those customers who were just in here? I didn't see them pay ya'll?!" He politely informed me that they were gentext members and were privileged to ONE free scoop of ice cream. Much to my chagrin, I neither had ONE scoop nor was I a gentext member. So I forked over my cash and took it up the ass. Fucker was worth every lick. I walked back to our table, melting ice cream in hand, with the biggest smile on my face.

You gotta be good. You gotta be good sometimes.

Brainless

Music Fest!

1. Pete Yorn - Crystal Village
2. Lori McKenna - Hardly Speaking A Word
3. Lori McKenna - Beautiful Man

It's about time we talked about music. We were missing it. And whoa, what great finds! Floored. Blown away. It's amazing how much great music is out there that I don't know about. All I need in this life is the right song at the right moment.

Gads, I'm so ruled by my emotions. I'm giving in. I'm giving up. Marc no like fight anymore. No more head. No more thinking. I'll let myself turn into a puddle of goop. (plop plop plop) I'm gonna watch my O.C. dvds. Fuck! Faaaaaaaak!!!!!

Let me get back to you on this one.

Soul Asylum

It's weird sometimes.

The other day I was talking to someone and had this really strange feeling. I totally felt like someone else. Like I was a spectator to what was happening right in front of me. This has happened before. I don't know what it is.

Sometimes I think to myself, how could this be happening? How could I be here in this moment? It feels so unnatural. But then a moment later, everything seems to come back into focus and I'm back.

Maybe I was just zoning out. Maybe I've underestimated how much things have changed in the past year. Maybe I still see myself as being this person when my other "me" has gone off on a life of his own. And somehow I'm along for the ride, looking out the window as my other "me" holds the steering wheel. I'm confused as well, but that's about the best that I can explain it.

I haven't had time to think. I miss it. I haven't had time to write. I miss that too. Which is ironic since I spend most days writing. Just stuff, I haven't written for myself in a while. Which is also why I'm writing now. I was reading an article today on espn. There's this really great writer / sports columnist there named Bill Simmons. The thing I like about him is that I can imagine how he sounds like if I ever got the chance to talk to him. I imagine he talks just like he writes. That sort of thing got lost to me when I started writing for other people. I kind of lost my own voice.

And that's where my heart is.

I suppose that I'm beginning to understand more what exactly it is I'm doing here. Or perhaps, beginning to understand more what I'm about. Perhaps one day I'll reach a level where I'll be able to write what I want to write. But at this point, not yet.

I guess what I'm really saying is that I feel like writing has been taken away from me a bit. People have been telling me this would happen. I heard them but I guess I didn't understand exactly what they were saying. 'Sides, I have to do everything the hard way. It's how I learn. It's how I get on in the world. It's difficult and painful at times. But I need the information. I need the experience. Or I'm just stupid and hard headed.

To quote a friend, "It's a strange life we lead." These words seem to ring truer each day that passes.

There are times when I feel like I've lost the ability to recognize people. I might be staring at someone I know and not recognize them. A moment later, it comes back. But this really bothers me. Am I brain damaged? Perhaps. But I suspect there is another explanation. My brain's trying to tell me something. I haven't figured it out yet. There's this feeling in my gut. It only says one thing: run.

Runaway train.

Never comin' back.