Wax Off

Jeez.

Not Mr. Miyagi! You will be missed my friend. You will be missed. Who's going to teach me now how to master the martial arts through household chores? Bygones Kensuke. Say hello to the big g-o-d. Semper fi.

Wish ko lang

So there's a song playing on someone's computer now. It's a song by U2 Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own. It's becoming a favorite here at the office. The nice thing about this place is you can tune out anytime you want. Well, almost anytime. All you need is a good song and the right moment. It makes me think and believe more and more that the moments are all we have. More than ever, I feel how precious time is and what we do with it. Whether it's time spent alone, time spent with loved ones, time spent cleaning your room, time eating a late dinner, time driving home. You really start to appreciate the things that you are deprived of. Hmmm. Deprived is such a strong word. Let's say instead, limited of.

There are things I want to do, which I will. Soon. It's nice to know there are still parts of the world that are uncharted. I can only imagine what Marco Polo must have felt like as he traveled the Silk Road to China and became the confidant of the the great Khan of the Mongol Empire, Kublai Khan. Or like the Spaniard Hernan Cortes as Montezuma welcomed him to the ancient city Tenochtitlán on the Great Causeway into the "Venice of the West," probably the largest city on earth at the time.

Metaphor. I was looking for that word this morning. Misplaced, as it were.

Sometimes when you don't know, you aren't necessarily lost. And sometimes when you're lost, you don't necessarily want to be found. Sometimes you can't make it on your own.

Marco Polo rode a camel for a time across a desert. And Cortes stood on the bow of a Spanish galleon as the New World sat on the horizon. I wonder what they felt, there on the cusp of discovery. They must have died ten times over before finally reaching their destination, intended or otherwise. But that's life.

It's full of sometimes, maybes, always and nevers. What can you do except to cross the desert. Cross the sea.

But then, what does that mean? Are we slaves to destiny? Do we have no choice? No say in the matter? Are we who we are from birth to death? Are our lives already predestined / predetermined in some celestial map of the universe? Do people change? Can they?

I wish they can. I really really wish that.

Truth is a double edged sword

Disclaimer: It's been a really emotionally draining week so please forgive me if I .... just forgive me.

So tonight, the team went to watch Bunny and Ben play a gig in Rizal Memorial. Kupaw country as my boss would say. Jologs to death. But it was fun in a weird way. We were actually given star treatment, hung backstage, and we were the only ones with chair. Boo bitty boo yeah yeah. (I've been waiting to use that line.) So anyway, have you ever been to a death metal concert? I have. Just now. Just a few hours ago. Ben plays lead guitar in a death metal band. Bunny plays guitar in a rockabilly band. Two totally different genres put together into one sweltering melting pot called The Super-X Series. Where a bunch of bands of different musical styles come together under the night sky and rock out. Truthfully, some of them did, some of them tried and failed miserably. The first band we saw, agua something, claimed they were death metal but i saw no death and felt no metal. They weren't even emo for chrissakes. Anyway. It was a weird situation that's only slowly starting to sink ever so slowly in my fading brain. Picture this, me sitting backstage (which was more like to the left of the stage) beside a.... how do i say this..... let's just call her my boss. Sort of head banging to death metal. I still can't comprehend what happened. Nevertheless, there we were as some little dude with his shirt off and a microphone in his hand was screaming some unintelligible words, trying to figure out what the hell he was saying. Although there was this really good band which I enjoyed called Valley of Chrome. At first I thought they were called Valley of Crows. My bad. But they rocked. Great energy on stage and good songs. Though I still couldn't understand what the hell he was saying, I enjoyed the music nonetheless. Oh and Bunny and Ben rocked too.

When we got back to the office, Mar called and was wondering what I was up to. Work dude, don't you know? But anyway, we had this brilliant idea to show my boss BigTime. So we watched it here, Mar and Mons came over and were blown away by our new office (thankyouverymuch) I liken it, to the Death Star. Oh and we got to use the 50 inch flat screen t.v. in the conference room too. Boo bitty boo yeah yeah. (got another one!) In short, she loved it. It's not a perfect movie, of course, but she really liked it, which is awe-some! Cuz I'm so proud of my friends. And cuz I was a part of it. And I co-wrote one of the songs in the movie (lyrics lang!) And I was an extra. And it's just a really good fun movie and I'm glad someone I respect a whole lot, likes it too.

So the other day I had a talk with my boss and I told her my intentions with the team. All I said naman was that my reasons for joining the team haven't changed. I'm still here cuz I wanna be here, no one's pointing a gun to my head. Of course those weren't my exact words but you get the picture. I'm gonna be here for a while. Cuz I can take the pain. Of course those weren't my exact words but you know what I mean. She told me to sit down and we talked for a while. The nice thing about her is that's there's no bullshit. Cuz she doesn't need to bullshit you. She was very honest with me. And when someone's that honest with you, you return the favor. Sometimes, I don't know how lucky I am. It's right there. All I have to do is head towards it. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy. And anyways, since when have I ever done anything the easy way? Duh, like never.

Maybe one of the more difficult things about it is that there are times when I feel so isolated. I'm a people person dammit! I needs human contact. You can't lock me in a room with the same 3 people everyday and not expect me to go a little nuts. So to address this problem, I've got a couple of dates lined up. (....) I'm really not expecting much. I just want to have a good fun time out with someone who can hold a decent and intelligent conversation and not have to talk about all their baggage. It's really tiring being a sounding board. I'm sorry to be so frank and I'm not out to hurt anyone's feelings but there are times when I just don't want to hear about your problems. Especially when it's the same problems over and over again. I still don't know why people come to me with their problems. The other day, this person just started laying her problems on me. I honestly didn't mind. I was genuinely concerned. But I'm just asking a question here - Do I look like a priest? Do you think I channel Dr. Phil in me? Do you think I can communicate with the spirits of the dead? Dude. I. Think. Not. Maybe it's my fault you know, maybe it's my face, my aura, what have you. I..... *sigh* But before I move on from this subject, let me just give a big thank you to all the people I've unloaded my problems onto over the years. You're a much better person than I am. And I really appreciate.... everything.

Dial Tone

god i'm tired. god give me strength. god give me a good idea. god what did i get myself into. it's not your fault god. i'm just venting. it's tough. tougher than i could have imagined. i have to operate at a level that's not humanly possible. no, that's not true, it is possible. but maybe i am lacking. no, i AM lacking. god im tired. god help. god save me. god, you know i'm in the shit if im talking to you. god im sorry i haven't been going to mass. i hope you're not mad. i was really tired. and i needed the sleep. god what am i doing? there seems to be no end. truly i know what sysiphus meant when he said, "shit. that dang ball rolled down the hill again." and now i've got to push it back up. god im weary. im a sprinter not a marathon runner. god i dont want to embarass you. you gave me this chance to prove my worth. and now i may not have enough gas in my tank. god, you put your faith in me but is it just false hope? am i fooling myself? can i really do this? god im gonna break soon. dont be mad. im doing my best. be maybe it isn't good enough. god i wanna cry. but i cant squander this chance. im afraid to break. where am i going to go? god are you there?